Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
True inner peace eludes you when you eat seven chorizo-guacamole tacos with extra hot sauce.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The nation's top onomatopoeia experts will be summoned to describe the wet, cracking, splattery sound you made when you finally hit the pavement.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You're not just "big-boned." And it's not glandular. And you can help it. Also, that's not just a cold sore.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you've been telling people about it for years.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that the American people could elect such a loser on your birthday.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You are blessed with great luck to live in a society that feels obligated to try and save your incompetent, drunk ass from its own failings.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Things may look bad, but this is no time for Cancer to panic. Just put the gun down and trust the officer with the megaphone. He wants to help you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're beginning to realize that, even though your telemarketing job is a good start, it's not as ghoulishly evil as you'd like.
