Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Life is just a big joke to you, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the one about the chicken crossing the road.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will spend virtually all of your money, time, and effort before learning that fashion is not very important.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The famous saying actually says that golf is "a good walk spoiled," not "a waste of time and an annoyance to the pig." Let the poor pig out of your golf bag.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's not easy being a loving, giving, trusting person in this world. On the other hand, it's no picnic working in advertising, either.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Don't worry too much about what tomorrow may bring, as nobody can tell the future. Except the stars, of course, and they aren't telling.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
People who say you drive like your car is an extension of your penis have never seen your brain-surgery work.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The ancient Greeks tell us that there were two basic forms of human love, eros and agape. But, apparently, they told you something different.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will score a major victory at work when you're able to produce documentation proving that the appropriate person has died and made you God.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Try to listen more carefully and openly to what other people think, even if they're completely wrong.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You experience a truly Chekhovian moment when you witness a devout couple praying over the grave of their atheist son. It won't affect you much, though.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There are many people who claim they'd rather be fishing, but you seem to actually mean it.
