Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Life is just a big joke to you, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the one about the chicken crossing the road.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will spend virtually all of your money, time, and effort before learning that fashion is not very important.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The famous saying actually says that golf is "a good walk spoiled," not "a waste of time and an annoyance to the pig." Let the poor pig out of your golf bag.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It's not easy being a loving, giving, trusting person in this world. On the other hand, it's no picnic working in advertising, either.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't worry too much about what tomorrow may bring, as nobody can tell the future. Except the stars, of course, and they aren't telling.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
People who say you drive like your car is an extension of your penis have never seen your brain-surgery work.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The ancient Greeks tell us that there were two basic forms of human love, eros and agape. But, apparently, they told you something different.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will score a major victory at work when you're able to produce documentation proving that the appropriate person has died and made you God.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Try to listen more carefully and openly to what other people think, even if they're completely wrong.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You experience a truly Chekhovian moment when you witness a devout couple praying over the grave of their atheist son. It won't affect you much, though.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There are many people who claim they'd rather be fishing, but you seem to actually mean it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will experience inner turmoil after reading way too much into a statement filled with vague, undefined terms.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.