Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.
