Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will meet a dark-haired stranger next week. Actually, you'll meet several, but only one of them is important for our purposes.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will thoroughly enjoy your study of world history until you realize it isn't supposed to be funny.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be greatly relieved to learn that the Bronx Zoo rhino's newborn babies in no way resemble you.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Nothing in the universe can keep you from watching your beloved Green Bay Packers, as the Venusian Space Armada will soon discover.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will move no one when you announce plans to embark on a hunger strike that will last until someone feeds you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your psychological affliction will have no serious negative side effects, with the possible exception of a sexual obsession with Greta Van Susteren.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You might not believe it now, but dropping 1,500 feet out of a helicopter with only a parachute, compass, and knife will be the easy part of your week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how much they enjoyed the sight of you running from the bear that stole your clothes.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will spend the next 40 years of your life desperately preparing for the final 10.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will lose one of your oldest friends in the world when you fly into a violent rage over the sight of an incorrectly used apostrophe.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your long, hard journey to manhood after falling off a luxury liner and into a fishing vessel is a source of pride until you learn it was done in a Kipling novel.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't eat too many of the free corn chips at your local Mexican restaurant. That's how they get you.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.