Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It might not be a comfort, but if we lived in a parallel universe where bulldozers are sentient beings, a certain one would be apologizing profusely right now.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars aren't exactly Cole Porter, but "If I Can't Have You, I'd Like A Small Order Of Fries" doesn't seem to have "hit" written all over it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will meet dozens of people as cold and unfeeling as yourself after taking out an ad in the impersonals section of your newspaper.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Try not to beat yourself up over your failings. After all, there are plenty of people willing to do the job for you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There's no easy way to say this, but a falling plate-glass window will shear you in half next Friday. Actually, that was pretty easy, come to think.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After all these years, the arresting officers still get a little flustered when you try to tip them.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sometimes, you think that becoming a corporate lawyer stained your soul and destroyed your faith in humanity. However, there is the money.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your ex-wife says you're six feet of stunted emotional growth in a bad tie. Better get a new tie.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember those less fortunate than yourself next week. You can find them in burn wards and leper colonies.
