Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you'll have another beer.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Mars' position in your sign indicates that only hard work and dedication can help you reach your goals. But don't worry: Mars will move by next week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've never been a big fan of being hosed down, but next week's non-stop barrage of hosings will give you a chance to change your mind.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will finally develop soft, shiny, touchable hair, just moments before getting hit by a bus--which at first might seem unrelated.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they're the ones behind the assassination attempts.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Sometimes, you just want to go someplace where nobody knows who you are. Luckily, this is easily accomplished by leaving your house.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The juxtaposition of sexual imagery and Catholic iconography has been done to death, but, hey, it's your personals ad.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll make it obvious whether you value quantity or quality when you live to the age of 113.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will soon seek in death the peace and tranquility that has eluded you in life. Unfortunately, nobody told you about Six Flags Over Heaven.
