Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
No force in Creation can stop you from enjoying a delicious fried-egg sandwich on your lunch break.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your life's problems will be put in proper perspective when you realize that, compared to the plague that swept Europe in the 12th century, they're still pretty bad.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
There must be a better way to tell your ex-husband the difficult things you need to tell him. Like, say, on the Louisiana Superdome Jumbotron.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Try not to read too much into little details. It may mean nothing that your heart surgeon is named Dr. Chopsalott.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Due to your lack of skill and experience, your new cooking show has been named Reheating With Leo.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your belief that a phone call from your mother-in-law is worse than cancer will be tested when you get both next Thursday.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars predict that hemlines are going to rise next season, but not nearly as much as you'd like.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will soon meet the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Shortly after that, you'll meet the man you'll want to spend the rest of your life with.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will find yourself enjoying a farcical, tune-filled, three-act romp that was supposed to be a meeting of the House Subcommittee on Economic Policy.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
In a famous passage from Shakespeare, Hamlet says, "To thine own self be true." In that sense, you are a Shakespearean fuck-up.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will discover incontrovertible proof that Lynn Anderson did, in fact, promise you a rose garden.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will find yourself watching hour after hour of The Weather Channel next Friday, hoping to find out how the whole thing ends.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.