Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
No force in Creation can stop you from enjoying a delicious fried-egg sandwich on your lunch break.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your life's problems will be put in proper perspective when you realize that, compared to the plague that swept Europe in the 12th century, they're still pretty bad.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
There must be a better way to tell your ex-husband the difficult things you need to tell him. Like, say, on the Louisiana Superdome Jumbotron.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Try not to read too much into little details. It may mean nothing that your heart surgeon is named Dr. Chopsalott.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Due to your lack of skill and experience, your new cooking show has been named Reheating With Leo.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your belief that a phone call from your mother-in-law is worse than cancer will be tested when you get both next Thursday.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars predict that hemlines are going to rise next season, but not nearly as much as you'd like.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon meet the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Shortly after that, you'll meet the man you'll want to spend the rest of your life with.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will find yourself enjoying a farcical, tune-filled, three-act romp that was supposed to be a meeting of the House Subcommittee on Economic Policy.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
In a famous passage from Shakespeare, Hamlet says, "To thine own self be true." In that sense, you are a Shakespearean fuck-up.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will discover incontrovertible proof that Lynn Anderson did, in fact, promise you a rose garden.
