Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your inability to get a cab has nothing to do with your neighborhood or skin color. It's because you live in Basco, WI, population 132.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will experience a strange kind of moral and spiritual vertigo when you find yourself sympathizing with Army recruiters for the first time in your life.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your acquisition of a state-of-the-art supercomputer will mark your entry into the elite, top rank of the world's solitaire players.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You're beginning to detect strong feelings of ill will from the other people at the office. You should stop showing up every day or get a job there.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your best friend will finally prove to everyone's satisfaction that his crippled old grandmother could take you in a fight.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Though they are brown and have two legs, they are kangaroos, not pants.
Libra September 23 - October 23
While reading the biography of famed designer Bill Mitchell, you learn, much to your surprise, that you are an example of planned obsolescence.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will finally achieve a lifelong dream of getting on television when you jump up and down and wave while standing behind the teary, emotional reporter.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
In dogsledding, persistence is everything. However, you're starting to think that it would be easier to simply wait for winter.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars would like to remind you that their birthday may be a ways off, but nothing on their list is exactly cheap.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are starting to find yourself more and more obsessed with people who, unlike yourself, actually do things.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.