Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they're sleepwalking when you get up before noon for the first time in your life.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A strange mixture of worry and relief fills your heart when you are laid off from the manure-packing factory.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You used to think it would be cool to drive your own giant robot, but that's before you knew they were primarily used to weld bumpers onto trucks.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
If the guys make fun of you for walking around in lipstick, high heels, and a silk dress, just ignore them. After all, you're a woman.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You must stop living in the past. Any changes you make back then may alter the present irreparably.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Now more than ever, that peace sign you carry is going to get you shot at.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Scientific engineers are currently developing a range of high-tech tools to help America's doctors in their fight against your burning, itching foot fungus.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
These times of economic turmoil might not be good for everyone, but your personal mission is to find a way to physically surf the Dow Jones average.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though it's certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be embarrassed to learn that there is an effective, less messy method known as "chemical" castration.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars.
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Past Horoscopes
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Aries The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Taurus What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Gemini Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Cancer It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Leo The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Virgo People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Libra You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Scorpio While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Sagittarius The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.