Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Both of your city's mayoral candidates will take a cheap and easy stab at popularity bycondemning you as a major part of their platforms.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack ofwoodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
This week's events will involve elaborate sets, a full orchestra, and more than 40costume changes as you redefine the term "trial of the century."
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will learn afterwards that the interesting and painful experience is known as"keelhauling."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Just so you know, Orwell's vision of the future as "a boot stamping on a humanfaceóforever" is not supposed to be sexy.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headedyour way.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Please stop telling your lover that you will give her the stars in the sky. You have noidea how much we Zodiac folks resent it when people do that.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest isnow your common-law wife.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until youhave earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
