Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Both of your city's mayoral candidates will take a cheap and easy stab at popularity bycondemning you as a major part of their platforms.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack ofwoodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
This week's events will involve elaborate sets, a full orchestra, and more than 40costume changes as you redefine the term "trial of the century."
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will learn afterwards that the interesting and painful experience is known as"keelhauling."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Though you are, indeed, woman, it is difficult to hear you roar. Speak up.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Just so you know, Orwell's vision of the future as "a boot stamping on a humanfaceóforever" is not supposed to be sexy.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headedyour way.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Please stop telling your lover that you will give her the stars in the sky. You have noidea how much we Zodiac folks resent it when people do that.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest isnow your common-law wife.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until youhave earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's true that if you laugh the world laughs with you, but in your case you'll have tospend some time explaining the joke.
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Past Horoscopes
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Aries The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Taurus What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Gemini Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Cancer It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Leo The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Virgo People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Libra You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Scorpio While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Sagittarius The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.