Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will receive frightening news regarding the U.N.'s Council For The Prevention Of Nuclear Terrorism. For one thing, it doesn't exist.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This week, it is neither the heat nor the humidity that's the worst. It's the guy with the two-by-four who runs around hitting people in the face.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You had a nagging feeling that your epic prose poem sounded familiar, but you're still embarrassed when friends point out that you've ripped off The Iliad.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your arrest and execution for espionage could have been avoided if only you hadn't argued over who would wear the back of the horse suit.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will achieve a form of immortality when you choose a tombstone that's perfect for balancing beer kegs.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham more than you do.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your attempt to explain to the judge that you "just wanted to see what horse laxative smelled like" is met with deep suspicion.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your fall from grace will be compared to that of Lucifer, but only in that you both managed to take a chunk of a wall down with you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will experience conflicting emotions when, upon coming home next Friday, your friends jump out of hiding, yell "Surprise!," and kill you with axes.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will soon be the envy of all your coworkers, who, as luck would have it, are all necrophiliac contract-bridge players.
