Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
From this moment forth, you will be elected treasurer of every organization you join.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.