Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
