Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
Libra September 23 - October 23
There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.