Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
