Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
