Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and relief when you are told by doctors that the malignant-looking growth on your face is a mustache.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will make headlines nationwide when you are the subject of a $340 million asexual-harassment lawsuit.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The line between terrifying and tasteless is toed next week when you are stalked and painted by former New York Jets artist-in-residence LeRoy Neiman.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be delighted to find a good recipe for strawberry jam in the middle of an otherwise boring Tolstoy novel.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
As you get older, you will begin to appreciate how the unseen hands of God and Buddy Ebsen subtly influence everything in Creation.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will sacrifice everything you've worked so hard foróexcept your car, house, job, and marriageófor the love of a good woman.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon be reduced to a whimpering, quivering mess by the challenge of keeping all 33 wind-up toys going simultaneously.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The breezy, lighthearted tone of your best prose is unable to mask the fact that your characters are a boring pastiche of middle-class stereotypes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be forced to stop insulting others after everyone else in the world transmutes into rubber, while you, in turn, become glue.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will become embroiled in a wacky wild-goose chase, despite the ready availability of rational, tame geese.
