Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and relief when you are told by doctors that the malignant-looking growth on your face is a mustache.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will make headlines nationwide when you are the subject of a $340 million asexual-harassment lawsuit.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The line between terrifying and tasteless is toed next week when you are stalked and painted by former New York Jets artist-in-residence LeRoy Neiman.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will be delighted to find a good recipe for strawberry jam in the middle of an otherwise boring Tolstoy novel.
Leo July 23 - August 22
As you get older, you will begin to appreciate how the unseen hands of God and Buddy Ebsen subtly influence everything in Creation.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will sacrifice everything you've worked so hard foróexcept your car, house, job, and marriageófor the love of a good woman.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will soon be reduced to a whimpering, quivering mess by the challenge of keeping all 33 wind-up toys going simultaneously.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The breezy, lighthearted tone of your best prose is unable to mask the fact that your characters are a boring pastiche of middle-class stereotypes.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be forced to stop insulting others after everyone else in the world transmutes into rubber, while you, in turn, become glue.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will become embroiled in a wacky wild-goose chase, despite the ready availability of rational, tame geese.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It is said, "They also serve who only stand and wait," but that won't do you much good in your waitressing career.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.