Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Though it seems to make sense, there's just something you don't trust about this newfangled "eat right and exercise" weight-loss plan.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will earn the gratitude of The New York Times for your unusually humorous contribution to the paper's obituary section.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Don't worry: Men won't realize it's a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they'll have paid and gone.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your lifelong fear of caramel apples will finally prove useful, albeit a little too late.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will spend two years in prison for sodomy, though you were sentenced for embezzling.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will shock the nation when, due to an amazing set of circumstances, you accidentally pass for 347 yards and two touchdowns against the Redskins.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There is nothing you can do to avert what fate holds in store for you this week, mostly because there is nothing you can do at all.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Though People mentioned your satisfying family life and hobbies, you still think you were put in the magazine because of your fame and good looks.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You've been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn't important to them, after all.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are mystified that, after all these years, people still ask you to explain your constant nudity.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.