Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Though it seems to make sense, there's just something you don't trust about this newfangled "eat right and exercise" weight-loss plan.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will earn the gratitude of The New York Times for your unusually humorous contribution to the paper's obituary section.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't worry: Men won't realize it's a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they'll have paid and gone.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your lifelong fear of caramel apples will finally prove useful, albeit a little too late.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will spend two years in prison for sodomy, though you were sentenced for embezzling.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will shock the nation when, due to an amazing set of circumstances, you accidentally pass for 347 yards and two touchdowns against the Redskins.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
There is nothing you can do to avert what fate holds in store for you this week, mostly because there is nothing you can do at all.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Though People mentioned your satisfying family life and hobbies, you still think you were put in the magazine because of your fame and good looks.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn't important to them, after all.
