Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your new "AbBlaster" turns out to be a kidney belt rigged with dynamite. You must admit, though, it really works.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A family isn't your "adopted family" just because you moved into their basement without telling them.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Come to think of it, Leo really shouldn't have said "strong, dark, mysterious stranger" last week when it meant "enraged lowland gorilla that suddenly appears out of nowhere."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There's something about you that inspires former president Jimmy Carter to build you house after house.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars indicate that you should really eat more carrots, which would help your night vision and enable you to read the stock tips.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Lately, you just haven't been able to muster your usual enthusiasm for a stack of properly collated color copies.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will certainly have a lot of problems in the week ahead, but a lack of running sores will not be among them.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Hours of confusion and consternation will end when you realize that the guy with the long face who walked into the bar the other night was actually a horse.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Wednesday will be mild, with highs around 65º and a slight chance of morning showers.
