Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Sometimes the stars wonder what happened to Sandra. She always had the worst damn luck.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.