Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
