Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The very future of humanity probably won't hinge on your knowing the difference between igneous and sedimentary rock, but, hey, you never know.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
If Cancer hears one more "crab" joke, it's no more handsome, dark strangers for a whole yearñunderstand?
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will soon find out how far you can push the famous Aussie sense of humor.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The problem with people like you is that you're always procrastinating. That and weakened pulmonary arteries.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Sorry, nothing for you this week. Check back in seven days for exciting out-of-control-gasoline-truck news.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be drugged, hustled into the back of a van, and abducted to Utah, where mysterious operatives will make you a better real-estate agent.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars have decided to fulfill an age-old prophecy and fall on Alabama. Get out of Mobile now.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
When your doctor prescribed Magnitor, you thought it was an anti-depressant, not a mutant 500-foot lizard-gorilla creature with nuclear vision.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll have plenty of time in jail to think about what you've done while spending the next 34 years as a prison guard.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Pisces is proud to announce its merger with British banking giant NatWest. However, your position will be terminated as of Oct. 15. Thank you.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.