Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.