Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You've finally decided to divorce your whiny, repugnant spouse. Good luck ever finding love again, babe.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.