Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
