Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Skin irritation and the inability to sit will continue to plague you for as long as you continue to associate sexual release with mittens full of foaming cleanser.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
They won't let you drive the actual Wienermobile, but driving your own vehicle made out of commercially available hot dogs is not a viable alternative.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside of your favorite stuffed animals.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your future as a professional criminal seemed rosy when you moved to Keystone, but the city has dedicated a lot of money to fielding more professional Kops.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A full-body tattoo is an exciting idea, but your busy schedule will require that 24 professional skin artists team up during the most painful lunch hour in history.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The rest of the judges will soon grow to hate your long pauses and the way you say "Weeellllll..." and drum your fingers on the dais before pronouncing sentence.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Overall, you led a pretty good life, unless you count the full-ensemble dance numbers that broke out every time you tried to talk to the opposite sex.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Before you take too much pride in earning the title of "Monroe, ID's Answer To William Tell," you should really find out more about the town they call the Eye Patch Capitol Of The West.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their damn money.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Look at it this way: In some admittedly deviant cultures, blood on the ceiling is a sign you're doing something noteworthy.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Not only will you be relegated to the status of historical footnote, but the histories involved are those of aluminum cookware and unreadable sestina poetry.
