Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're not sure why, but you've never bought that one chicken's alleged reason for crossing the road.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A trip to sunny Bermuda does not recharge your batteries due to the fact that your worker-robot casing isn't equipped for solar-energy uptake.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Classical musicians worldwide will be out for your blood when you compose the brilliant but torturous-to-play Punishment Symphony For Orchestral Dipshits.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be held in contempt of court by several judges you haven't even met, which you have to admit is pretty good anticipation on their part.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be stripped, cleaned, oiled, and lovingly Briwaxed even though you insist that you are not a 1930s craft project.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
They say make-up sex is the hottest, so it's probably not a good idea to resolve that long-standing feud with your parents.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Eventually, they'll figure out who it was that broke into the safe, but they'll just laugh at you for taking the money when you could've had the secret pie recipe.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll finally learn to stop looking like you've put your makeup on with a trowel just as the hot new trend of trowel-applied makeup catches on.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's true that the best-laid plans of mice and men go oft awry, but the mutant rodents in the sewers beneath your home have been planning your death for years.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You can remember a happier time when you were young and hopeful and Yaphet Kotto wasn't following you everywhere.
