Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While the particulars of your final destination are unknown, the dread realm of Death doesn't seem so bad anymore, now that Johnny Carson's there.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll perform an act of selfless bravery next Friday in the false belief that the cameras are catching the whole thing.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Sure enough, when your adopted Chinese daughter arrives next week, you won't be able to understand a word she says because of her near-perfect English.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Nostalgia turns to tedium when, after inheriting your grandfather's cherished Zippo lighter, you waste two days figuring out how to fill the damn thing.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll have no idea how to feel after being honored with a Kennedy Center Lunchtime Achievement Award.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You should carefully examine your thoughts and motivations before allowing yourself to experience ecstasy over William Safire's retirement.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It's said that if you die spectacularly and alone, you're a hero, but if you take others with you, you're a goat. Still, the human cannonball you'll soon meet for .00046 seconds will be the toast of the town.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll be surprisingly unconcerned with the theft of your intellectual property this week, when you find out that God stole your idea for a giant flying carnivorous porcupine that breathes fire.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While you're happy you're no longer trapped on a desert island, it's getting tiresome to tell the story every time you ask about current celebrities.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's nice that you want to talk to kids about smoking, but everyone would rather you did it in public, during the day.
