Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
This Thursday, you'll find out that being nibbled to death by ducks is not merely an elaborate figure of speech.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've always assumed your greatest flaw was the third arm growing out of your cheek, but it's actually that you refuse to give of yourself.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A long journey over water lies ahead for you this week, and—thanks to a rather overconfident cruise-ship navigator—for many weeks to come.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You may think of yourself as a victim of horribly tragic circumstances, but God put a lot of time and effort into making sure things happened just so.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've slaved away for months to design your own fashion line, but it's your boyfriend who will make a splash with his insouciantly tucked-in turtlenecks.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It'll only be three days until authorities find you and the tic-tac-toe-playing chicken shacked up in a cheap hotel.
Libra September 23 - October 23
There's really no denying he's a literary talent, but frankly, you don't find Terry Southern's pseudonymously published erotic novel to be all that great.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You may be ruggedly handsome, but you're nothing next to the spot where Sandy River flows by Storm Mountain.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Unfortunately for you, the Bible addresses the fact that there is a time to live and a time to die, but it's vague on the subject of zombies.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Although you'll crack three ribs, the TV footage will concentrate on the puppy you saved and pretty much ignore you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You don't see why everyone puts such a premium on listening to others. It's obviously better to use that time to decide what you'll say next.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's unlikely anything important will happen this week, but if it does, you're urged to contact the zodiac's toll-free Event Transpiration Hotline.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.