Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
God will confess that He does play dice with the universe, but explain that He used the 16-sided kind during His Creation-spanning game of Dungeons & Dragons.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After mistaking you for a new model of a full-size pickup, Car And Driver will deride your lack of legroom, but praise the way you "barely sip" gasoline.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The plucky, dam-building beaver is known as "nature's engineer," so it's not too surprising when 12 of them trap you inside a clever, woody Maze of Death.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It's true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should've known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Next week's events will get you thinking that maybe there's no reason to keep a mule train in modern-day Kansas City.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll have that weird dream again, where no one in the world is ever hungry—but you'll manage to forget it by morning.
Libra September 23 - October 23
If you're going to pass horrifying, threatening notes to bank tellers, at least try to get some money out of the deal.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Thanks to your city's willingness to use advanced, tesseract-based forms of public transportation, you'll be the first person to be hit by a bus from the inside.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Mars descending in your sign is definitely unusual for this time of year, but between the retching and the stench of sour bourbon, you can guess how it got so low.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You always thought the saying was "welcome you back with broken arms," resulting in a needlessly painful reunion with your long-lost love this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Yes, it's a tragedy, but there are those who will wonder if you shouldn't have known better than to camp at Frequent Cave-In State Park.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Religious and scientific leaders will argue for weeks about whether what happened to you was the result of divine retribution or messy, high-energy physics.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.