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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

February 23, 2005 | Issue 41•08

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mama is so fat almost anything can be said about her.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay—you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste-test.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

For 15 terrifying minutes, the universe will indeed revolve around you, causing the death of billions because you decide to skip rope.

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