Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mama is so fat almost anything can be said about her.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay—you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste-test.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.
