Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll be justifiably proud after turning your office into a savvy, high-tech marketing machine, but that's before it flies out of control and devastates half of Kansas City.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Although you've long considered yourself something of a singer/songwriter, investigators will weigh your slim notebook of lyrics against the butcher's heap in your basement and decide you're more of a torturer/killer.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Although you admit that the thick layer of yellow fat around your heart is a threat to your health, you're not sure about your physician's plan to replace it with a thick layer of pink fiberglass insulation.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
In yet another odd grandstanding ploy for attention, the Irish Republican Army has offered to shoot you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your ownership of a smoldering powder keg attached to a ticking time bomb continues to be a powerful, if mixed, metaphor.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your friends will laugh at your clanking, smoke-belching, jerry-rigged contraption, but they'll have to respect its ability to make a really outstanding cup of coffee.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Not only is the large, twisting antler on your forehead a source of constant pain and ridicule, it's also considered a powerful aphrodisiac by many cultures.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Topological mathematicians will soon find a way to define the Gaussian curvature of a surface M in such a way as to prove that you suck.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll be able to trace your lineage all the way back to the War of the Roses, thanks to the Royal Society for Keeping Track of Drunken Syphilitic Half-Wits and Their Bastard Offspring.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It is prophesied that you shall walk in beauty all the days of your life, but you'll still spend your nights going to squalid little bars with the same old crowd.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're eagerly keeping an eye out for the first robin of spring, but the tightly knit robin community hasn't forgotten what happened last year and has blacklisted your entire neighborhood.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You've heard that there's little anyone can do to shed any light on the eternal mysteries of the human heart, but you figure that's because they haven't used bright enough torches.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.