Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll be justifiably proud after turning your office into a savvy, high-tech marketing machine, but that's before it flies out of control and devastates half of Kansas City.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Although you've long considered yourself something of a singer/songwriter, investigators will weigh your slim notebook of lyrics against the butcher's heap in your basement and decide you're more of a torturer/killer.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although you admit that the thick layer of yellow fat around your heart is a threat to your health, you're not sure about your physician's plan to replace it with a thick layer of pink fiberglass insulation.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
In yet another odd grandstanding ploy for attention, the Irish Republican Army has offered to shoot you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your ownership of a smoldering powder keg attached to a ticking time bomb continues to be a powerful, if mixed, metaphor.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your friends will laugh at your clanking, smoke-belching, jerry-rigged contraption, but they'll have to respect its ability to make a really outstanding cup of coffee.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Not only is the large, twisting antler on your forehead a source of constant pain and ridicule, it's also considered a powerful aphrodisiac by many cultures.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Topological mathematicians will soon find a way to define the Gaussian curvature of a surface M in such a way as to prove that you suck.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll be able to trace your lineage all the way back to the War of the Roses, thanks to the Royal Society for Keeping Track of Drunken Syphilitic Half-Wits and Their Bastard Offspring.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It is prophesied that you shall walk in beauty all the days of your life, but you'll still spend your nights going to squalid little bars with the same old crowd.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're eagerly keeping an eye out for the first robin of spring, but the tightly knit robin community hasn't forgotten what happened last year and has blacklisted your entire neighborhood.
