Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
While on a pilgrimage, you and two dozen other travelers will stop for the night at a roadside inn, where you'll all agree to pass the time by telling stories about your jobs as carpet salespeople.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your lover continues to insist you're giving mixed signals, despite the fact that you're standing on the bed naked while gesturing toward your genitals with air-traffic-control flashlights.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You never thought you'd be the type to have a big family, but upon awakening from your decade-long coma, you'll discover that the asylum doctors have begotten seven children on your defenseless body.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It's true that the blood of kings flows in your veins, but the kings are those of Siding, and their reign is specific to Decatur.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This will be a spectacular week for unusual physical feats of romance in the workplace, which might have something to do with your getting fired.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Saturn rising in your sign this week doesn't mean you'll make a good lawyer, but your eloquent insistence on the fact will convince most everyone.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll both make and ruin a ton of cash when you invent Wallet Bacon, the tasty, crispy bacon that cooks up in minutes in one's wallet.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You're never going to be named Miss Congeniality, but only because the title is so valued that a certain amount of wheeling and dealing has sullied the purity of the judging.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A feeling of increased personal freedom and greater privacy will wash over you this week when a heretofore unnoticed guy named Wally up and moves out of your apartment.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Thousands of horseback-riding Mongols will trample you to death so quickly that you'll never learn why they were dragging the Goodyear blimp with tow ropes tied to their saddles.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll agonize at length over being forced to choose between two beautiful women, giving them time to formulate and execute an escape plan.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.