Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've never cared about mining, you've never been curious about mining, and you certainly never wanted to be a miner, but the only thing those gun-toting Australians care about is getting the silver out of the ground.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've always believed that people are basically good. Unfortunately, this week will go a long way toward convincing you that most of them aren't really good in bed, where it counts most.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You said the only thing you wanted was for your child to be born with all 10 fingers and all 10 toes, so you'll have no right to complain when you find out exactly where the digits are.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
After a week of your bragging, the Muses have decided to prevent you from winning another limerick contest at Tubby's.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You're developing a reputation as something of a "party pooper," because your friends are too proper to call you "that chick who shits in the punch bowl."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've always said real estate is the one commodity that they're not making any more of, which is one reason why the world's volcanoes are out to get you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The proper course of future action becomes clear this week when the stars in your sign mystically align and spell out, "You still owe Evan 10 bucks."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll be relieved to find out that sex after marriage is just as good as it ever was, except for the added hassle of making sure your wife doesn't find out about it.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your life expectancy will reach an all-time low this week when it somehow gets out that you're a good source of potassium, folic acid, and $245 in small bills.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It may or may not give you a reason to consider the error of your ways, but the only person you know who won't get hit by a bus next week is the bus driver everyone always picks on.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll have the bad luck to come to maturity days after the traditional ritual of "becoming a man" is replaced by an intensive, three-month regimen of rigorous physical testing.
