Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your stance on the health-care crisis tends to be rather conservative, but for the next few months, it will be heavily influenced by the steel bar protruding from your ribs.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Immortality of a sort is yours when your photo becomes one of the most resonant images of this century, with millions appreciating the late light, your beatific expression, and the butterflies fluttering in and out of your bullet wounds.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You've always thought that your tendency to ask a lot of questions about the local culture was appreciated, but judging by the flames licking at your body and the tightness of the ropes, it seems you might have been mistaken.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You've never been more internally conflicted than you'll be next Wednesday, when a choice of three desserts reveals what a shallow person you are.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You don't seem to have as much energy and endurance as you used to—that is, if the little row of charge-indicator LEDs on your chest can be trusted.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Even if you can't help your snoring, you should do more to respect the anger of the rest of the Chicago Philharmonic.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Modern design continues to exert too much influence on your life, as you'll soon be available in six hot new colors, in addition to classic brushed aluminum.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Hope can sustain a person through excruciating personal trials, but unfortunately, there's no real reason to believe that the new Star Wars movie will be tolerable.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You never thought you feared change all that much, but that's before the temperature started varying by about 100 degrees Fahrenheit every minute or so.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The quite understandable fear of conquering hive-minds will grow to a fever pitch this week when it's revealed that one in five Americans is a component of you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your idea was brilliantly executed, but even in today's instant-gratification culture, you won't sell more than a few dozen copies of Learn Rock Guitar In 45 Seconds.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars forecast a great deal of upheaval and turmoil in your future, especially if you do not return their frickin' celestial hedge trimmer tout de suite.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.