Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your stance on the health-care crisis tends to be rather conservative, but for the next few months, it will be heavily influenced by the steel bar protruding from your ribs.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Immortality of a sort is yours when your photo becomes one of the most resonant images of this century, with millions appreciating the late light, your beatific expression, and the butterflies fluttering in and out of your bullet wounds.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've always thought that your tendency to ask a lot of questions about the local culture was appreciated, but judging by the flames licking at your body and the tightness of the ropes, it seems you might have been mistaken.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've never been more internally conflicted than you'll be next Wednesday, when a choice of three desserts reveals what a shallow person you are.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You don't seem to have as much energy and endurance as you used to—that is, if the little row of charge-indicator LEDs on your chest can be trusted.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Even if you can't help your snoring, you should do more to respect the anger of the rest of the Chicago Philharmonic.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Modern design continues to exert too much influence on your life, as you'll soon be available in six hot new colors, in addition to classic brushed aluminum.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Hope can sustain a person through excruciating personal trials, but unfortunately, there's no real reason to believe that the new Star Wars movie will be tolerable.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You never thought you feared change all that much, but that's before the temperature started varying by about 100 degrees Fahrenheit every minute or so.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The quite understandable fear of conquering hive-minds will grow to a fever pitch this week when it's revealed that one in five Americans is a component of you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your idea was brilliantly executed, but even in today's instant-gratification culture, you won't sell more than a few dozen copies of Learn Rock Guitar In 45 Seconds.
