Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Some days you get the bear, and some days the bear gets you, but not a day goes by that you don't regret becoming a professor of Ursine Studies.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A nutty mix-up during your elopement will see you going to the wrong house and abducting the wrong man, but luckily you'll be a hell of a lot happier with him.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your efforts to write the perfect trucker ballad will be hampered by the jealous ghost of Nashville star Dave Dudley, who keeps spiking your beer.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll feel dishonored and shunned when thousands of mourners pass by your dead body on their way to honor the pope.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Three extremely important events will mark your last days on earth: First, you find out you can buy uranium over the Internet. The second and third pretty much follow as the night follows the day.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll question your wisdom in hiring such a fanatical personal trainer, but you must admit that those who manage to escape his diabolical Maze Of Fitness Or Death emerge looking pretty damn buff.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You know you're not the first person to experience identity problems, but it's still jarring to realize that you're a woman trapped in a rotting musk ox's body.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You've heard a lot of rational-sounding arguments in favor of drug legalization, but you'll be damned if you can remember what they are.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll try with all your might to save poor little Pekingese Tuffy, but there's nothing any mortal can do when the Lord Of All Beasts announces that any dog smaller than a beagle doesn't count.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The rash of burning-dogshit incidents in your neighborhood will finally end this weekend, when D.C. police formally issue a cease-and-desist order to that prankster Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll be stripped of your merit badges, your troop insignia, and your Boy Scouts uniform during an extremely disgraceful and sexy night at the International Friendship Scout Camporee.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your new love has thrown you into an exciting whirlwind of passion and euphoria, but pretty soon you'll probably have to meet in person.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.