Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
When choosing a pet this week, make sure it's one your friends approve of, as it'll outlive you by at least a dozen years.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll enter into local-legend status this week when, wandering on an important personal quest, you become the Flying Dutchman of your local big-box stores.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll enter the record books in style, better than tripling Roy Sullivan's old mark of being struck by lightning an amazing seven times.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Although circumstances will force you to take a menial job requiring a nametag, it will not lead to anyone knowing your name.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Although you've always worried about dying alone and unloved, you can put your mind at ease: A tragic mix-up at the pheromone lab will lead to your being loved to death by nine separate species.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars would love to take credit for guiding you to your fated destiny, but Occam's Razor and plain common sense point toward your turning into a colossal asshole.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There are many possible fates in store for you this week, but they all seem to involve you standing rain-drenched and shoeless at the side of a major interstate highway, cursing single men everywhere.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon come to symbolize the world's increasingly cold and callous nature when your death is used to demonstrate the impact-resistant grill of the new Ford 500 sedan.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You never wondered what would happen if all those big glass skyscraper windows fell to the sidewalk at once, but you'll soon be able to satisfy the curiosity of those who have.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
To your vast surprise and that of marine biologists worldwide, you'll discover that you play a vital role in the 30-year mating cycle of the limpet shark.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There is no medical proof that chemical castration helps to prevent serial double-parking, but where you're concerned, the traffic court isn't taking any chances.
