Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You really won't know what to think when God Himself appears to you and asks, rather shyly, if you think people would be okay with saying "God Herself" from now on.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
An innocent trip across town in your Abrams main battle tank to return a friend's industrial-grade power tools will somehow result in your pulling off the bank heist of the century totally by accident.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Good coaching and kind, compassionate discipline will turn a ragtag group of problem kids into a top-notch football team, but you're just what they need to turn them back to violence and drug abuse.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You should move confidently in whatever direction your dreams take you, even if they're about being chased down a dark hallway by a bloody-fanged eggplant.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Mars descending in your sign is usually a sign of good luck, but that's when Mars isn't descending straight at you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Unfortunately, the police have also heard the story where the murderer kills her victim with a frozen leg of lamb and then feeds the evidence to investigators.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Treating yourself to a piece of pie when things go well is a good idea, but remember that you said "well," you fat fucking hog—not "barely acceptable."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The other men who delivered babies in stalled elevators were considered heroes, but they didn't commandeer an elevator full of food, water, medical supplies, and women last July.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You remember what a good, strong, fiery kick a bottle used to have in the old days—it was nothing like the watered-down crap these puny kids are calling a Molotov cocktail.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Life as a left-hander isn't all that bad, but you still think it's small-minded of your insurance company to take such a laterally asymmetrical view of your accident coverage.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
This Thursday's sudden solar flare will have far-reaching cosmic effects, changing what should have been a good day for career ambitions into an opportunity for romance with a dark stranger.
