Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
After a grueling three-year investigation, the National Transportation Safety Board will rule that a faulty steering valve in your tail section caused your tragic crash into that shopping mall.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be pressured to resign as chairman of the board of directors when it comes to light that you are, in fact, absolutely terrible at sitting at the head of really long tables.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You thought it was only people in movies that were tied to railroad tracks by mustachioed villains, but your upcoming experience on Walt Disney World's monorail will prove otherwise.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll find yourself simultaneously at the heart of a legal tangle and the burn ward when you finally get the opportunity to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
All your old problems will dissolve when you're forced to confront what's really important, namely explosive botulism.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After Wednesday, you can say you've seen everything. Unfortunately, you'll have seen it from such a distance that you won't be able to make out the details.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Everyone takes a while to adjust to new surroundings, but unfortunately, you only have eight minutes before the fissure begins to fill with magma.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Magritte says the mind loves images whose meaning is unknown, as the mind itself is unknown; but you actually think it's mostly about threesomes.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You believed being stranded on that desert island put an end to your run of lousy luck, but the natives will soon become strangely inspired and fashion a crude bus to hit you with.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll start waking covered in bruises on a variety of 12th- through 16th-floor exterior ledges, proving once and for all that you shouldn't piss off your city's powerful pigeon lobby.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Sure, you're exceptionally well-lit, but you're becoming tired of being followed around by a crew of technicians and their array of floods, pin-spots, and reflectors.
