Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Not that anyone asked you, but if you were designing the world's biggest jetliner, you would've put some sort of flat surface under the passenger cabin, for people to stand on.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
By this time next week, you'll be suffering from altitude sickness, in danger of being arrested by the Bolivian government, and freshly divorced—all thanks to a bar bet you'll sorely regret having made.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Not hitting your shots and a weak zone defense aren't just why your team is losing in the playoffs, it's why the Centralized Space Command will surrender to the Uranus Allied Forces this Thursday.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You may be proud of it, but it might not be such a good thing that you've earned an Emmy for Outstanding Participation in Television Consumption.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If you'd only learned to exercise patience, those caterpillars you've been vomiting up all week would've had a chance to become lovely stomach butterflies.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be well along the path to a lifetime of happiness when the rap-metal single you cut in 1997 resurfaces.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll be reported missing in Afghanistan this week, which just goes to show how far you're willing to go to avoid calling Greg back.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
All right, Scorpio is going to say this for the last fucking time: With an apostrophe, it means "it is" and without an apostrophe, it means "belonging to it." This is really not that hard.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've been struggling to find a way to tell that special someone you love her, so keep in mind that someone of your species usually displays his tail plumage and excretes musk.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Certainly, the praying mantis is a fearsome-looking creature, but up until this week, you never imagined what thousands of them working together could do to an infant.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Those who don't remember the past are, of course, doomed to repeat it, which is exactly why you drink until you lose your memory every single Thursday.
