Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous gondoliering.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Taurus includes the stars of the Pleiades—mentioned in the Bible and instrumental in the design of the Pyramids—but these beauties are just one of the many reasons to visit the most popular constellation in the Zodiac.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've already been subjected to scorn and derision. With hot summer weather coming, you can now add extreme physical discomfort to the things you will endure when sporting that long black velvet cape.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Actually, a goatsucker is an order of insect-eating nocturnal birds that includes the whippoorwill and the nighthawk, you pervert.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've never been afraid to learn the lessons of history, which is why your solution to everything is nuking Japan.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be found guilty of 12,582 counts of bee murder and given the responsibility of pollinating every flower in your immediate neighborhood for 11 years.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Change is long overdue in your life, but sadly, the Zodiac can no longer find a place in the budget for such outdated expenditures.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've always reported the incidents as "drive-by shootings," but that may not be the proper term to describe your situation, wherein everyone you drive by shoots at you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Word to the wise: Although your baby is indeed badly in need of a new pair of shoes, it is not likely that any situation involving dice is likely to produce said shoes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
With NASA under increased pressure to perform and to curry public favor, they're seriously considering using cutting-edge technology to launch you into orbit.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Once, you were just the infant found in a city dumpster. Now, you're known nationwide as "that guy who's lived his entire life in the dumpster where he was found as an infant."
