Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll be forced to run more than 50 miles by some cruel bastard who'll rig your hat with a fiendish device consisting of a candy bar, a piece of string, and a six-foot stick.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've always feared you might run into a problem that can't be fixed by the lessons learned in Tom T. Hall's lyrics, and now that you've been appointed the new U.S. Trade Representative, that day is finally here.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your constant back-talking to the manager and theft of company property would seem like grounds for firing, but due to irresponsible bookkeeping, they'll be cited as the reason for your company's jump in profits.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're being subjected to lots of unwanted criticism as the new kid in your high school, but you should be able to handle the pressure better, considering you're 34.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You must learn to stop screaming "Rape! Rape!" at the top of your lungs. Everyone can see perfectly well what you're doing without the grandstanding narration.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You have a remarkably addictive personality, which is why junkies keep trying to extract it from your skull and inject it.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The authorities are aware that you're struggling with your own manhood and how it relates to our phallocentric society, but please, just return the Wienermobile.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You thought you were so great with the clever wordplay, but as everyone else figured out long ago, you've just been unwittingly reciting Cole Porter lyrics.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The movements of Saturn rising through your sign in combination with various solar-zodiacal harmonics indicate many complex changes, but basically women are going to start throwing shit at you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Voyager 1 is rapidly approaching the very outer edge of the solar system, although its radio transmissions simply refer to the distance as "almost far enough away from you."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
While it's true that a certain software giant stole its graphic user interface from a smaller computer company, it stole its tendency to get locked up repeatedly from you.
