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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

June 15, 2005 | Issue 41•24

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You and your entire family will be granted the power of flight by conniving sky-gods who merely want to create additional safety problems for the airline industry.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

G. Gordon Liddy will be busy with media appearances this week, leaving him with no time to hunt you down and eat you.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

In a certain light, from just the right angle, you will begin to bear an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Maybe in your next life, you'll believe the Zodiac when it tells you to cut the red wire.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Secretly tape-recording your private conversations is something you might be able to forgive, but not splitting the profits of their sale with you is a different thing entirely.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Your desperation to escape the buses that are constantly hitting you will force you to build a time machine, which will deposit you just downhill from where an early Homo sapien is attaching the first four wheels on a huge hollow log.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You'll be prevented from joining the Army's elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair, given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

There are very few people who respond to a well-prepared spaghetti carbonara in the same way you do, a fact for which the nation's firefighters thank God daily.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Jupiter will enter your sign at a very delicate moment this week, causing it to blush, stammer an apology, and back out.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You swore you'd make real attempts to become a better, more well-rounded human being, but by the end of the week, you'll have a favorite stock-car racer.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Sometimes, life's smallest changes are the most important, as evidenced by the microscopic cancer cells currently entwining the base of your spinal column.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

It's true people only pay attention to you because of your enormous breasts, but cut them some slack. Most people only have two, and theirs are relegated to their chest.

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