Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You and your entire family will be granted the power of flight by conniving sky-gods who merely want to create additional safety problems for the airline industry.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
G. Gordon Liddy will be busy with media appearances this week, leaving him with no time to hunt you down and eat you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
In a certain light, from just the right angle, you will begin to bear an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Maybe in your next life, you'll believe the Zodiac when it tells you to cut the red wire.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Secretly tape-recording your private conversations is something you might be able to forgive, but not splitting the profits of their sale with you is a different thing entirely.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your desperation to escape the buses that are constantly hitting you will force you to build a time machine, which will deposit you just downhill from where an early Homo sapien is attaching the first four wheels on a huge hollow log.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll be prevented from joining the Army's elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair, given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
There are very few people who respond to a well-prepared spaghetti carbonara in the same way you do, a fact for which the nation's firefighters thank God daily.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Jupiter will enter your sign at a very delicate moment this week, causing it to blush, stammer an apology, and back out.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You swore you'd make real attempts to become a better, more well-rounded human being, but by the end of the week, you'll have a favorite stock-car racer.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Sometimes, life's smallest changes are the most important, as evidenced by the microscopic cancer cells currently entwining the base of your spinal column.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's true people only pay attention to you because of your enormous breasts, but cut them some slack. Most people only have two, and theirs are relegated to their chest.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.