Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You and your entire family will be granted the power of flight by conniving sky-gods who merely want to create additional safety problems for the airline industry.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
G. Gordon Liddy will be busy with media appearances this week, leaving him with no time to hunt you down and eat you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In a certain light, from just the right angle, you will begin to bear an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Maybe in your next life, you'll believe the Zodiac when it tells you to cut the red wire.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Secretly tape-recording your private conversations is something you might be able to forgive, but not splitting the profits of their sale with you is a different thing entirely.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your desperation to escape the buses that are constantly hitting you will force you to build a time machine, which will deposit you just downhill from where an early Homo sapien is attaching the first four wheels on a huge hollow log.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll be prevented from joining the Army's elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair, given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
There are very few people who respond to a well-prepared spaghetti carbonara in the same way you do, a fact for which the nation's firefighters thank God daily.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Jupiter will enter your sign at a very delicate moment this week, causing it to blush, stammer an apology, and back out.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You swore you'd make real attempts to become a better, more well-rounded human being, but by the end of the week, you'll have a favorite stock-car racer.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Sometimes, life's smallest changes are the most important, as evidenced by the microscopic cancer cells currently entwining the base of your spinal column.
