Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be awoken nightly between 2 and 4 a.m., by a friend who used to be cool but now just wants to talk about how 'Til Tuesday was an underrated band.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
When he said, "It bears, as in a nightmare one bears the impossible and finds no deliverance," Rilke was talking about Rodin's "Fallen Caryatid," but if you want to use that quote to talk about your foot pain, no one can stop you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your fate will be influenced by nostalgic cosmic forces this week, when Castor, one of Gemini's formative stars, takes this week off to attend his high school's 10 billion year reunion.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You lack initiative, which means that you usually wait until someone yells "Get funky!" before you get funky.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You won't listen to the many people who tell you that your lover is bad for you until it's too late and you're almost completely finished devouring his corpse.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Like the broader American pop culture, you are fascinated with prison life, but this will change as soon as you're condemned to three consecutive life sentences.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You try to keep an open mind, but you're pretty sure there's no way that a damn cat could have helped solve over 30 capital crimes.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're not all that angry that someone put that video of you being hit by a bus, attacked by a bear, and stabbed with scissors on the Internet, but for them to set it to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" is just wrong.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The good news is that you're finally getting as much sex as you want. The bad news is that it's a kind of sex you always wanted to avoid if at all possible.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The authorities have not given your lost love up for dead quite yet. They have reason to believe that she's in Duluth, though, which you must admit is pretty much the same thing.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You are, of course, given the right to the pursuit of happiness, but there's nothing to prevent others from aiding and abetting your happiness in its desperate attempt to escape you.
