Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While on a pilgrimage, you and two dozen other travelers will stop for the night at a roadside inn, where you'll all agree to pass the time by telling stories about your jobs as carpet salespeople.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your lover continues to insist you're giving mixed signals, despite the fact that you're standing on the bed naked while gesturing toward your genitals with air-traffic-control flashlights.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You never thought you'd be the type to have a big family, but upon awakening from your decade-long coma, you'll discover that the asylum doctors have begotten seven children on your defenseless body.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's true that the blood of kings flows in your veins, but the kings are those of Siding, and their reign is specific to Decatur.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
This will be a spectacular week for unusual physical feats of romance in the workplace, which might have something to do with your getting fired.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Saturn rising in your sign this week doesn't mean you'll make a good lawyer, but your eloquent insistence on the fact will convince most everyone.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll both make and ruin a ton of cash when you invent Wallet Bacon, the tasty, crispy bacon that cooks up in minutes in one's wallet.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're never going to be named Miss Congeniality, but only because the title is so valued that a certain amount of wheeling and dealing has sullied the purity of the judging.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A feeling of increased personal freedom and greater privacy will wash over you this week when a heretofore unnoticed guy named Wally up and moves out of your apartment.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Thousands of horseback-riding Mongols will trample you to death so quickly that you'll never learn why they were dragging the Goodyear blimp with tow ropes tied to their saddles.
