Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll be honored, after a fashion, when the mayor of New York secretly awards you the key to the city of Boston and asks you to "leave no stone atop another."
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You take a lot of pride in what you are, which is at once rather noble, fairly self-destructive, and just ludicrous on the face of it.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You hold advanced degrees in mathematics and physics, collect Renaissance bronzes, and have an especial penchant for chamber music, but a leading deodorant company insists you're a "Mitchum Man."
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your life will continue unchanged for six of the next seven days. The other one will feature lots of upset bison.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Scientists will have completed a map of the universe within 25 years, making life hell for you and other lovers of ambiguity.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
For the next year, you'll be haunted by the sickly, ghostly, jolly specter of those 110 pounds you had surgically excised in May.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your soft life is destroyed with the exposure of your false birth certificate, forcing you out from under the shelter of child-labor laws.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Being blonde, healthy, and blue-eyed comes in handy yet again this week when the government unveils its new program of National Socialized Medicine.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A little superstition never hurt anyone, but it's becoming a real pain for everyone to accommodate your lucky full-sized replica of Michelangelo's David.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If there's one problem with your get-rich-quick scheme, it's probably that one that the police, the Mafia, and the Treasury Department all used to track you down.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You thought you'd gotten past that incident last winter when you T-boned that bus, but the world's buses have pledged to avenge their fallen comrade sevenfold.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your attempt to make the most
romantic marriage proposal in history backfires when it rains unexpectedly, the gondola catches fire, and the bear forgets its training and reverts to man-eating.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.