The Onion

U.S. Department Of Self-Help Names New National Support Person

August 5, 1998 | Issue 34•01

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Secretary of Self-Help Edward Wiersma named best-selling author and noted empowerment expert Dr. Nancy Weeks, Ph.D., the new National Support Person.

Enlarge Image us dept of self-help

Self-Help Secretary Edward Wiersma and newly appointed National Support Person Dr. Nancy Weeks, who is there for all Americans.

"Whether struggling to overcome alcohol addiction, working to improve anger-management skills, or simply trying to build more fulfilling relationships, Americans should feel free to approach Nancy for guidance and support," Wiersma said. "U.S. citizens should think of her as their federally designated recovery resource."

Addressing the Washington press corps for the first time, Weeks expressed hope that Americans will feel comfortable coming to see her.

"As a breast-cancer survivor, I know how important it is to have someone there for you when you're going through rough times," said Weeks, who spent more than 20 years under the tutelage of renowned hug therapist Dr. Leo Buscaglia. "That's why I hope people won't be shy about seeking me out: When you're trying to beat depression, get over the loss of a loved one, or cope with menopause, knowing you're not alone can make all the difference."

Weeks said she plans to lobby Congress to allocate $420 million for national awareness-raising. She also called upon all Americans to be their own best friend.

"While I can certainly be of help, ultimately, it all comes down to self-respect, self-love," said Weeks, author of Just Say Know: The 10-Week Path To Discovering You. "Remember: Wherever you go, there you are."

Weeks said she generally goes to bed around midnight and urged U.S. citizens to call anytime up until then.

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