The Onion

U.S. Now 40 Percent Sports Paraphernalia

March 17, 1998 | Issue 33•10

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a geological survey released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of the Interior, 40 percent of the nation's total land mass is now composed of sports paraphernalia. Among the paraphernalia: Ken Griffey Jr. Donruss Leaf rookie cards; Starter-brand Miami Heat windbreakers; Frank Thomas MLB replica batting helmets; limited-edition Green Bay Packers Super Bowl XXXI commemorative mouse pads; NASCAR set-of-four drink coasters; officially licensed Team USA replica Olympic hockey jerseys; The NBA's Greatest Slams videotapes; 1992 Notre Dame-Florida Sugar Bowl game programs; and Milwaukee Bucks "Tasmanian Devil" key chains.

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