Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon have a romantic encounter with a dark stranger... By dark, the zodiac means "enigmatic and mysterious"—not that the stranger is black.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
There are times when you wonder how a promising backyard-wrestling star wound up driving an Army transport truck in Iraq, but you usually remember pretty quickly.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You have no idea why all the surviving members of Art Blakey's Jazz Messengers decided to burn your house down with you in it, but as a jazz aficionado, you're glad they brought their instruments along to pass the time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars can't believe you fell for it when they said you wouldn't be caught if you drove your Explorer through the crowd at Sun Creek Pancake Days. Enjoy prison.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll soon take your leave of this world, which has become your own personal hell, and enter a hell shared by billions of miserable bastards.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The bear's probably going to be pretty hung over when it wakes up, so it would be best to go somewhere else to wonder how your bank robbery went wrong.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You still don't think your bail should get bigger every time you get arrested.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Although the incumbent will stand firm on his platform of fair taxes, better schools, and safer streets, you'll win in a landslide from your platform of human skulls.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The days are long past when you could get a healthy baby for less than a hundred grand, but you'd be surprised how many sick ones that kind of money will land you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You knew that house cats liked to play cruelly with their prey before eating it, but you had no idea that they grew to the size of the one outside your door right now.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've been a chronic underachiever most of your career, which is pretty good news considering that you're a professional rapist.
