Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon have a romantic encounter with a dark stranger... By dark, the zodiac means "enigmatic and mysterious"—not that the stranger is black.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
There are times when you wonder how a promising backyard-wrestling star wound up driving an Army transport truck in Iraq, but you usually remember pretty quickly.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You have no idea why all the surviving members of Art Blakey's Jazz Messengers decided to burn your house down with you in it, but as a jazz aficionado, you're glad they brought their instruments along to pass the time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars can't believe you fell for it when they said you wouldn't be caught if you drove your Explorer through the crowd at Sun Creek Pancake Days. Enjoy prison.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll soon take your leave of this world, which has become your own personal hell, and enter a hell shared by billions of miserable bastards.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The bear's probably going to be pretty hung over when it wakes up, so it would be best to go somewhere else to wonder how your bank robbery went wrong.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You still don't think your bail should get bigger every time you get arrested.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Although the incumbent will stand firm on his platform of fair taxes, better schools, and safer streets, you'll win in a landslide from your platform of human skulls.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The days are long past when you could get a healthy baby for less than a hundred grand, but you'd be surprised how many sick ones that kind of money will land you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You knew that house cats liked to play cruelly with their prey before eating it, but you had no idea that they grew to the size of the one outside your door right now.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've been a chronic underachiever most of your career, which is pretty good news considering that you're a professional rapist.
