Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your money problems will worsen this week when the other prisoners start trading you for fewer cigarettes than usual.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.