Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.
