Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You have never been successful at the game of love, but at least you've finally figured out that the rules are similar to those of Scrabble.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This would be a good time to start new endeavorsófar better than all previous times, which would have been utter shit.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be endlessly pleased with your brief mention in an Entertainment Weekly article titled "500,000 Rising Stars Of Indie Film."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will give your love a chicken which has no bone, horrifying her as the bird flops about and clucks piteously.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn him in for the reward money.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You call yourself "an avid people-watcher," but deep down you know you really only watch for the crashes.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Look on the bright side: If you'd done a better job designing the airliner's landing gear, Wednesday's newspaper sales would have been much lower.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You attempt to reconstruct the proto-language that gave rise to Nostratic and, thus, all modern tongues, but just wind up reading The Lord Of The Rings again.
