Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You have never been successful at the game of love, but at least you've finally figured out that the rules are similar to those of Scrabble.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This would be a good time to start new endeavorsófar better than all previous times, which would have been utter shit.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be endlessly pleased with your brief mention in an Entertainment Weekly article titled "500,000 Rising Stars Of Indie Film."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will give your love a chicken which has no bone, horrifying her as the bird flops about and clucks piteously.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn him in for the reward money.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You call yourself "an avid people-watcher," but deep down you know you really only watch for the crashes.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Look on the bright side: If you'd done a better job designing the airliner's landing gear, Wednesday's newspaper sales would have been much lower.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You attempt to reconstruct the proto-language that gave rise to Nostratic and, thus, all modern tongues, but just wind up reading The Lord Of The Rings again.
