Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will finally begin to understand the events of last Thursday after studying the work of Taiwanese mathematician Shi-Shyr Roan.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
If jackalopes are imaginary, it raises the question of who or what has been doing your laundry all these months.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You're the kind of guy who, faced with the choice of either doing the pericardiocentesis or just pronouncing the patient dead, will pronounce him dead every time.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Quelling the unrest in the forest will severely limit the time you can spend with your prog-rock band this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be shocked to discover that the police no longer reimburse citizens for shooting people.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Next week will see you destroy a 60-foot sailboat, a 200-year-old country house, and a million-dollar racehorse, making you a legend at Harvard.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your mother still introduces you as her son the future doctor, even though you're a woman and dentist, and your mother's been dead for seven years.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Give in to progress this week. Replace that throne of skulls with a comfortable, ergonomic Aeron office chair.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This is a great time for your career. Which isn't a good thing for everyone since you're a coroner, but hey.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your life story is a hit in the pages of Japan's Young Machine magazine, but it loses something in the translation to English.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
What people don't understand is that the drinking, casual sex, and off-color jokes are the only way of coping with the pressures of video-store clerking.
Past Horoscopes
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Aries There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Taurus The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Gemini While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Leo The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Virgo You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Scorpio Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Sagittarius They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.