Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people care about.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."
Leo July 23 - August 22
Today's youth sickens you. You didn't fight a secret war against the nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and swear.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding name. Change them all, if possible.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound everyone else at the office.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave. Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You have not learned from the history of insignificant little people who work at insurance companies and are, therefore, doomed to repeat it.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.