Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people care about.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Today's youth sickens you. You didn't fight a secret war against the nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and swear.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding name. Change them all, if possible.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound everyone else at the office.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave. Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.
