Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
