Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
