Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.